As an Evilsponge, people think I donít have
taste. "He just sits there," they think, "soaking up whatever
happens to be nearby." Which is just what i want them to do
-- underestimate me just becaue i lack a spine!
It turns out that i am very particular about how the world
sees me. I don't take just anyone on as a Minion, oh no -- only
quality humans get to serve me directly. And my quest for quality
carries over to what my Minions write on this site. If we post
a review here, it has my name attached to it, and want
to make quite sure it's adheres to my standards of quality.
So what makes a quality review, you ask? Shut up and i'll tell
you, feeble-minded vertebrate.
Firstly, take a look at these reviews for some pointers from
existing Minions. There are the reviews i consider to be the
best of what we have up here.
Big Lazy by
Half English by Billy Bragg
by Cocteau Twins
by The Dismemberment Plan
Be Transmitted Somehow by The Eskimos
The Messenger by The Indicators
w/ Rizzudo and Copa Vance
THE DEATHRAY DAVIES w/
If you read those reviews and keep them in mind when you wriite
your own, you will do fine. Additionally, here are a few guiding
principles that I make all of my Minions write by. Keep these
in mind as you writel.
- The term "good" means different things to different people.
For example, soaking in a brine all day is "good" to me, but
probably not very "good" to you, or your brittle skin. The
same carries over for music, movies, or what have you. Itís
always safer to give people an idea of why you like a given
thing as well as a description of what that is. To say Britney
Spears and Jellyroll Morton and Metallica are all ďgoodĒ doesnít
help someone who only likes country music. Give some idea
of what youíre watching or listening to and how it compares
to other things in that same medium.
- I want details, and so do the readers, so be specific in
your review, mentioning details of a particular song, chord
progression, or lyric. Tell the masses what you like and donít
like in detail.
- Try to stick to the review. If i want your opinion about
Whiffle Balls I'll bloody well ask you for a review of them.
In the mean time, I told you to review an album/concert/movie,
so stay on task.
- Gratutious profanity and naked people bore me (why do humans
obsess so much over their feeble reproductive processes?),
so lay off it. I mean, if it is important in some way to what
youíre reviewing, well fine. But do you really need a string
of four-letter words or a gallery of porno pics to critique
a song? I don't think so.
As you can see, I am largely open to suggestion as to what
type of content you write or the majority of the fine details
in how you write. (Some people might joke that my "openness"
is due to the porous nature of my spongey body. Those people
would be well advised to watch their backs! Especially near
I want each Minion to develop their own voice as a writer.
I will never tell you, "We donít rate [that type of music/movie/whatever]
highly here. And i expect you to try and maintain a degree of
impartiality. I understand that humans can never be truly impartial,
but if you at least let people know where you prejudices are,
it will usually be enough.
So you still want to write for me? Excellent. Send you samples
and we shall see what we shall see.